Currently Listening Illinois By Sufjan Stevens see related

in the sweet summertime

Currently Listening Dog Problems By The Format time bomb see related

shifting universes

i am officially 18, as of last monday.

highlights of that precious day: the birthday pickle and heather driving from pewaukee to drop off a present at my house.

i gues i just wish that this time of year made me happier, but for some reason it really depresses me. i think it has something to do with the annual "it's eryn's birthday so let's bitch at eachother" fight between my family, and the fact that nobody ever remembers it. nobody. i think that 2 people remembered without me telling them.

some fucking bitch told me to suck it up and i wanted to pound her face in. it's my goddamn special day, and if it sucks, then i am fully within my rights to make a complaint about it! DAMNIT!

and then there's the fact that the same person lied to me. right to my face about hanging out with our group. they are all over at her house right now. they are all there hanging out and having fun, and she lied and said "oh, we don't have any plans tonight, there's nothing going on as far as i know" fuck her. i am done with her. she is dead to me. i hate it when people lie to me. i hate it when people are fake and overprotective. i don't want to talk to her ever again, and i wish other people knew how fucking mean she is and that they would stop being her friend, too.

i need to stop, i am just so mad now! it's so frustrating, this goddamn situation.

this is the new year, and i don't feel any different

i'm feeling so... empty, so alone lately. it's like i'm fading into the background again, being invisible. and i don't know why we stopped being friends, who stopped caring first, but i miss the times when we were close and knew each others secrets. i miss you, and i hate being replaced, made to feel like shit for some unknown reason. i don't want to say i'm sorry. i want to say that i am so much better without you. like i'm someone who's strong on the inside, i might look strong on the outside, but inside i'm crumbling. i'm falling apart. i hate feeling so upset, and i swear to God it happens every year. right around my birthday. people start being bitchy, and i retract into my turtle shell, hiding from them. i feel like i'm losing all of my friends, and i wish i could go back and maybe change one thing so that we'd still be like family, but i can't. and i'm miserable, i'm feeling so down. i can't imagine how to move on, how to find a new group of friends, how to fit in. i wish college would just start already and i could find someone worthwhile to hang out with, someone who i can laugh with, someone who won't turn around and stab me in the back. and i don't want to sound so complaining, but i need to write it down or i'll crack.

if you feel discouraged, and there's a lack of color, here...

but i'm the first to fall, and the last to know.

that's always how it goes, i guess. life has faded back into existence. not exciting, not completely boring, though. i was so sick of sitting around at home, i decided to invite my friends over for an impromptu estrogen only night last night. we played outburst junior, stuffing ourselves with chocolate chip cookies and sipping down cokes and sprites in extremely small bottles. we danced around my family room, and then watched Black Sheep.

musical tryouts are coming up, and i'm hung up on whether or not to try out. i already know which song i would audition with, though. "at last" by ella fitzgerald. i love that song, it's one of my favorite old songs, ever.

"at last... my love has come along my lonely days are over, and life is like a song."

i wonder if that's how it is when you're in love, if life is a song.

Currently Listening Strange and Beautiful By Aqualung strange & beautiful (i'll put a spell on you) see related

this is a seasonal affair

wow. jack's mannequin concert rocked my world. all of the bands there were just AMAZING. right after the concert, i got a message from my long-lost best friend erik. he was there, too! the same building, and yet so very far away. i miss him.

especially on days like today, cold and rainy outside. amy's at play practice with allie and evan. she made the cut. lucky girl... i'm not jealous, though, if it seems like i am... i'm just bored without amy to hang out with. and i wish i could've made it into the play. but enough about that, marching band is in full swing. the proof lies in the cold weather. soon enough i'll be out in the 35 degree weather, trying to smile through chattering teeth.

my hands are freezing. i've gotta go and pick up amy soon enough. yay for free nights! no homework, no plans! nothing but me and a book and a big mug of hot chocoate.